3 Tipps für erfüllende Berührungen

3 tips for fulfilling touch

Loving touch is one of the most important ways to build and strengthen connection.

A baby cannot survive without physical contact and tenderness.

But touch is not only essential in childhood for one’s development, basic trust and ability to bond, but also in adulthood for health and happiness.

The “cuddle hormone” oxytocin reduces stress, helps us to relax, and to better regulate our emotions. All while strengthening the bond with our loved ones.

This is particularly evident at the beginning of the relationship, when most couples just can’t keep their hands off each other. The frequent touching in everyday life and also an active sexuality leads to a feeling of deep connection, security and happiness.

But over time, the little caresses in everyday life often become less and less, the quality of the touch more and more mechanical and the sex more and more rare…

No wonder that many couples no longer feel really connected to each other at some point and have the impression that they’re rather just living next to each other.

So what can I do if I no longer feel my partner at all and wish for more closeness and connection?

Breaking the vicious cycle and establishing new positive patterns

Since touch and connection are closely related, the big question is whether you are in an upward or downward spiral.

Most couples find themselves in an upward spiral at the beginning of the relationship.

Being in love leads to the urge to touch as often as possible.

The regular touching strengthens the connection.

The strong connection again leads to more touch.

And so forth…

But eventually the spiral reverses and becomes a downward spiral.

Stress and everyday commitments lead to less touching and less sex.

The lack of physical touch weakens the connection.

Due to the lack of connection, both have less desire for intimacy.

And so forth…

So it is about breaking the vicious cycle and establishing new positive patterns.

Tip #1: Make regular time for sex

This may feel a bit unnatural at first.

Many people resist setting aside time for intimacy and touch because they believe it should happen spontaneously.

But the problem is that the feeling usually only develops again once the vicious cycle is broken.

If in long-term relationships with a stressful job and children I only have sex when both spontaneously feel like it, then that will probably only happen very, very rarely.

So it takes a conscious decision to take time for physical touch and closeness.

We recommend that the couples we work with set aside at least one evening a week for quality partner time.

And whether it really comes down to lovemaking during this time or you just cuddle and talk or massage each other, that can still be decided spontaneously – depending on your desire and feeling 😉

Tip #2: Consciously incorporate tenderness into everyday life

Additionally, positive habits and small rituals are needed.

This can be things like consciously cuddling with each other in the morning after waking up or in the evening before falling asleep as well as expressing gratitude for your partner.

This can be a longer hug before you go to work or when you get back together in the evening.

This can be a 5 minute massage once the kids are asleep or just leaning on to each other and taking a few deep breaths together.

Nothing big. But preferably every day.

It is ideal if these small rituals are tied to fixed times that are repeated daily.

These small gestures and quality evenings can create the basis for more…which then also arises spontaneously from the feeling.

I notice every time how, especially on the day after a wonderful Tantra ritual, we automatically touch each other a lot more and seek closeness to the other or how the 5-minute massage then spontaneously develops into lovemaking because the connection is so strong…

Tip #3: Increase the quality of touch

One point that is still essential in all of this, however, is the quality of the touch.

We hear time and time again from our participants that there is absolutely no point in having their partner touch them more often, as long as it feels like they’re patting a dog or the touch is too rough, too fast or too careless.

In fact, we often repeat the same kind of touch that we experienced from our parents in childhood and therefore memorized: ah, so that is what love looks like.

This means that people who received very little closeness as a child or at most a pat on the back as recognition, often have problems giving and receiving loving touch as adults.

Therefore, it is also important to develop compassion for yourself and your partner.

Yes, it’s not that easy to change these patterns and it’s probably not enough if you give your partner feedback once and then expect that everything will change.

But it is possible.

As is so often the case, it also requires awareness of your own automatisms and the will to change them.

What we believe is the most important key to quality touch is PRESENCE.

Not just mechanically stroking your partner’s back while watching TV, but devoting your full attention to him or her.

And that the movement is not just something that your hand “does”, but a gift that flows energetically from the heart through the arm into the hand…

It is also important to stay in contact, to keep getting feedback on the effect that the different touches have on your partner.

At the end of the day, the important thing is that your partner likes it.

You can also just experiment freely.

With fast and slow touch. With a strong massage, kneading, pressing, flowing strokes, scratching, very gentle stroking or simply placing your hand on your partner’s body and pausing.

Because the pauses especially can be super valuable.

Pauses to feel.

Pauses to breathe.

Take breaks to consciously come back to the here and now.

Just try something new and let your partner describe what he or she perceives.

And the recipient can try to really describe and not just evaluate.

So instead of saying “yes, that’s good” or “no, that’s not good”

Rather describe: “when you stroke me here, I get goosebumps and shivers go through my whole body” or “with this touch I feel my body tense, it burns and feels numb”.

This way you can learn even more about each other, understand each other better and learn step by step the kind of touch that gives your partner the most pleasure.

And of course, this process can also be fun.

If you let go of the expectation that he or she “should” know what you want, but you both openly go on an explorative journey, then maybe you can just laugh about it when one of you falls back into old patterns and automatisms and you can create more awareness with a loving reminder 😉

If you want to go deeper into Tantra, you are welcome to book a free discovery call where we can discuss your challenges and give you first tips on how to improve your love life. 

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