7 reasons for boredom in bed and how to avoid them
I used to always find sex great and exciting…
But somehow we’ve run out of steam…
Always the same foreplay…
The same 3 positions…
The same ending…
To be honest, the whole thing bores me…
And as with every routine, I notice that I’m not really “on top of things” anymore, my mind wanders and I am still planning my to-do’s for the next day in order to at least use the time sensibly…
Do you know that?
We hear similar reports again and again in our work with couples.
Especially if they’ve been together for a long time.
In this article we want to look at why many couples lose passion after a while and sex becomes routine and how Tantra can help to counteract this and to experience more variety and playful joy in shared sexuality again.
To be honest, we went through the exact same process in our relationship. After the beginnings of being freshly in love where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, the same standard repertoire quickly established itself because it worked for both of us (which wasn’t always easy otherwise). But it wasn’t really fulfilling.
It became more and more boring and rare over time and at some point I asked myself: “Was that all?”
I had serious doubts about myself.
I had always felt more desire than Meli and was the one who pressured that we “should do it again.” Meli mostly went along for my sake or so that the harmony in the relationship was back.
Of course, we also experimented with different toys and tried to rekindle the desire. However, this did not bring the desired changes.
When sex still didn’t get better after a while, we realized that the reasons must lie deeper.
So we started dealing with ourselves, participating in Tantra seminars and looking at the patterns that were going on in our relationship…
What are possible reasons why sex in long-term relationships becomes boring?
Reason #1: Lack of communication in bed
Communication in the bedroom is an essential part of leading a passionate and varied love life.
Only when I dare to admit to my partner that I’m not really fulfilled at the moment and can openly talk about what I want instead, does it become possible to tackle changes actively.
However, many couples have never really learned to communicate openly and never really talked about their sexuality.
Therefore, the first step is to get in touch with your partner and to talk about what longings and fantasies are dormant in you.
You can find out exactly how this is possible here:
https://www.reconnectprem.com/communication-in-the-relationship/
https://www.reconnectprem.com/en/lets-talk-about-sex-open-communication-in-the-bedroom/
There are a number of reasons why we often don’t do this, which I will look at below.
Reason #2: Inhibitions and shame
Unfortunately, for most people, sex is still a very shameful topic.
Many people who come to us are ashamed of their desires and fantasies and are very reluctant to talk about the subject.
This shame often stems from upbringing, where we were taught that the subject of sex is a taboo that “you don’t talk about”.
In my experience, this shame can only be healed if we actively look at it and bring it into contact.
It can be extremely valuable to talk about the topic not only with your partner, but also with other couples or people of the same sex, to find out that “it’s not just you”. In this way, it becomes possible to talk quite openly and relaxed about this – actually totally natural – topic.
This is actually always an important finding for all participants in our Tantra seminars, which helps to quickly dissolve inhibitions.
Reason #3: Fear of rejection and hurt
However, it is often not just our own inhibitions that prevent us from speaking openly about our own desires and needs – or even sexual fantasies – but the fear of rejection.
Fear of being judged.
Fear of being labeled “weird” or “wrong”.
Or fear of hurting our partner.
Again, it is important to look at these fears.
We always have a choice to either embrace fear and let it control our lives, or have the courage to break out of it.
I often ask myself:
What’s the worst that can happen?
What’s the best that can happen?
And what are the consequences if I don’t do it?
Of course, if I suggest going to a swinger club together or experimenting with BDSM, there is a certain risk that the partner will not immediately call out “yes!”.
But most of the time, this can be a wonderful starting point for deep and open conversations about what the need behind the desire is and what options there are to meet the needs of both of you.
This is the starting point for CREATIVITY.
For something new.
The way out of boredom.
Anyone who always plays it safe will find it very difficult to bring more excitement and passion back into their own love life.
You can find out more about this topic and how to deal with it here:
Reason #4: Lack of self-knowledge
All previous reasons have implied that you are aware of what you actually want and that it is difficult to bring that into contact.
But quite often, the couples who come to us have no idea what they really need.
It is not really fulfilling as it is.
But what do they want instead?!? No idea!
I’m always surprised, how many people only know a small fraction of themselves and don’t really know…
… what they like in bed
… what kind of touch they enjoy
… which form of sexuality really fulfills them.
I’m also always shocked, how many (especially) women have never really researched themselves and never really got to know their bodies.
But many men still have deficits when it comes to really enjoying their own body – regardless of external stimuli.
It is therefore essential in Tantra to first explore your own body, your own sexuality and to learn to “make love” with yourself, to give yourself pleasure.
For most men and women, the “Self-Love Challenge” in our online tantra program is a journey into a “completely new world” that they have never known before and which suddenly opens up so many new playgrounds so that their shared sexuality is completely safe and no longer boring afterwards 😉
Reason #5: Sex is a negative topic
Another reason why many eventually lose the will to experiment could also be that sex is associated with frustration or pain.
Perhaps there were one or more situations in the past that were very painful. Unfortunately, far too many people experience assaults or abuse, especially in childhood and adolescence.
But even among adults, there is still an enormous amount of boundary crossings which can cause pain.
These can also be very subtle. For example: Engaging in sex when one doesn’t feel like it right now… just to make the partner happy and feel loved. This may not be so bad the first time, but over time the body will shut itself down more and more and the subconscious will ensure that we don’t want to repeat this unpleasant experience again.
It is often these wounds that cut us off from our sexual desires, our body or cause us to feel pain during sex.
And then it’s no wonder that we are no longer creative in bed, but only try to get things done reasonably well and quickly, or ignore the topic completely and have less and less sex.
If that’s the main reason for you, it’s also clear that just new sex toys or a new position don’t really bring more fulfillment to your love life, but that a deeper approach is needed.
In the beginning, Tantra was a path of healing for us.
Healing from old injuries.
Healing of physical and energetic blockages.
Healing of emotional wounds.
Of course, nobody wants to hear that at first, since everyone is looking for “quick fixes” these days, but it’s worth it. Because healing also means freedom.
Then it is possible to leave the past behind and have new – positive – and deeply fulfilling experiences. And also to rediscover one’s own curiosity, desire and joy of experimentation.
Reason #6: Own laziness and lack of energy
Sometimes the reason is much more mundane.
Namely one’s own convenience.
Of course, it is much easier in the evening after work, when the children are finally asleep, to quickly play out the standard repertoire in order to then be able to fall asleep relaxed as opposed to thinking of something new every time.
At the beginning of the relationship, both partners usually invest a lot of time and energy in their love life together, surprising each other with new ideas, small gestures, pampering time, new underwear, etc.
But after so many years…
It’s easier to repeat the known things…
Yes, sure.
But the question is what you want.
An easy, comfortable way to get rid of boredom?
Or a path in which you can invest time and energy at the beginning, but which gives back much more energy, joy, love and fulfillment in the long run?
At the end of the day, it’s also a matter of priority.
You can find out more about this here: https://www.reconnectprem.com/en/no-time-for-sex/
Reason #7: Lack of knowledge about what else is possible
Many people are not even aware of what there is actually to discover.
Since the media usually only shows the same kind of sexuality, most assume that after a few years, they have already experienced everything there is (at least in a socially acceptable framework 😉
That’s what we thought at the beginning of our relationship.
Until we came to Tantra…
… and opened up completely new worlds just through breathing and energy work.
In truth, there are endless ways to make love.
But more about that in one of the next articles… or in our Tantra seminars 😉