Who doesn’t know it? That feeling of curiosity and anticipation when we discover something new and really want to share it and try it with our partner?
But when we are in a long-term relationship, it often happens that the partner is not enthusiastic about it, or that he even gets worried .
How should we deal with such a situation?
Should I push my partner to do it because I know it’s good for both of us?
In my experience, this strategy is never a good impulse, because if my partner is not convinced of it and does not have a free choice, she will probably have resistance (especially with such a sensitive topic as Tantra) to get involved.
But what is it really about when my partner has resistance to such a course?
As is so often the case, there is no universal answer. But what can always help in such a situation is empathy.
For yourself and for your partner.
It helps to communicate openly, to really want to understand and to have a lot of patience.
I truly believe that we all strive to be the best version of ourselves. Unfortunately, we often still carry old wounds and pain with us that prevent us from being free and acting out of love.
It is advisable to try and find a solution to the challenges together. If we work together to make the relationship a little better every day, we will eventually achieve our dream relationship.
We now want to look at the different possible reasons that can make one resistant to a Tantra course and what we can say / do.
1. Fear of being a bad lover
When Meli asked me for the first time if I would like to do a Tantra seminar with her, I was worried. “Oh my god, she’s not happy with our sex lives! Am I not performing well enough? Will she leave me if I don’t participate?…”
There are no limits to the stories we can tell ourselves.
I then decided to get involved. However, I have to admit that this happened partly out of fear.
Looking at the situation today, I see other ways that Meli could have made it easier for me:
- First of all, the partner can say what is already really good, i.e. give encouraging and positive feedback. This can look like saying: “While making love with you, I enjoy the gentle way you caress me and how you are in your power.”
This is about being specific and honest.
- Another way is to express your love for your partner. The gratitude for the relationship and that your partner is in your life.
Express how you feel about your partner.
If your partner feels completely loved and valued just the way they are, then you can bring up the topic.
- Sometimes it can also help to share your own motivation and challenges.
I believe that most people are very quick to support and help their partner if they don’t feel offended by him / her.
By showing ourselves vulnerable first and describing what we find difficult in our own sexuality, the partner can serve as a helper and support us in our healing.
- And basically, it’s always a good idea to awaken your partner’s curiosity.
Instead of talking about problems, it is better to show a vision of what is still possible. There is so much to discover when it comes to relationship and sexuality.
There are undiscovered heights to be experienced, an unbelievable number of things to try out.
Awakening this has something playful and makes it easier to deal with the topic.
2. Fear of showing oneself, of opening up or of asking for support
It’s important to see and acknowledge that sexuality simply is a very sensitive subject. For most people it is associated with a lot of shame as it is still very taboo in society.
So it’s important to understand how uncomfortable it can be for your partner to talk about it openly.
When we look at how we’ve been socialized, it’s not hard to see why men, in particular, find it difficult to seek support on the subject. As a man, I have learned to solve my problems only by myself. When someone wanted to help me, I often saw it as a weakness and a failure on my part.
Tips for dealing with this:
- First, it’s important to acknowledge the fear. Sometimes it helps to simply accept it and look at it consciously so that it doesn’t seem so big anymore.
- Sometimes it can also help to research together where the fear originally comes from. It is often experiences and sentences from childhood (“don’t be so stupid” “don’t be a girl”) that have formed the belief that you have to be strong and solve everything on your own.
This protective strategy was certainly often helpful in childhood, but for today’s life as an adult it is important to question when it still makes sense and in which areas it might be time to question this belief.
3. Resistance to look at your own issues
Sexuality is an area where we literally show ourselves naked.
Therefore, the practice of Tantra can bring up many issues, emotions and old traumas.
It takes courage to look at all this consciously.
In my experience, the subject of emotions is a difficult one in our society.
We have learned to function in our everyday life.
Therefore, we suppress many emotions and divide them into “good” and “bad” emotions. Accordingly, it is clear that, when it comes to the topic of fear and shame, for example, not everyone gets excited.
- If this is the case, it’s important to understand why it’s worth looking into the dark corners of yourself.
Our suppressed emotions bind an incredible amount of energy.
We can think of them like an inflated balloon that we are trying to keep under water. We have to constantly expend energy to keep it under water.
But if we allow these emotions to flow within us, we get empowered and feel more freedom to choose what we want in our lives. Additionally, we have more energy available.
The resolution of issues in the relationship and in sexuality significantly improves our well-being and our lives.
This allows us to experience a whole other level of satisfaction. We can live less out of fear and instead shape our lives with more energy, freedom, connection and love.
- If your partner has had traumatic sexual experiences, strong emotions come up or one of you is afraid of not being able to deal with the issues that arise, we would recommend that you either book a free call with us with us or seek therapeutic support at the same time.
4. The partner does not see the benefit
I still remember learning how sex works as a boy.
I learned most of it from porn.
I had absolutely no idea what sexuality could look like anymore.
At the beginning of my relationship with Meli, I had the idea that I had to perform well in bed and that I would then have a fulfilling sexuality.
But then there were also challenges and problems in this area… no desire, lack of inspiration, pressure of expectations and focus on the orgasm (for me: don’t come too early, for Meli: absolutely have to come). We also never really discussed what our vision for our sexuality was, how we wanted to develop in this area.
We had a standard program that we played over and over again. It was “quite good” but not really fulfilling.
- Tantra has opened up whole new worlds for us in this area that we had no idea existed. We’ve learned to talk about sexuality naturally and have been given a map of endless possibilities to explore.
We have learned to create a deep connection to each other, to see sexuality as an act of love, to explore with playful joy and ease, to celebrate our relationship and to experience ecstasy.
If you would like to learn more about what Tantra can do, you are welcome to book a free consultation call 😉
- At the end of the day, it’s not about what we’ve experienced, it’s about what you wish for.
A good option is to talk openly about what longings are still dormant in each of you.
What would be your absolute ideal of sexuality?
If you have already achieved that, then the Tantra course may not really be of any use.
But if not, I am sure that Tantra can also help you to get a little closer to your ideal.