Today’s we want to talk about sex…
Okay, we already did before and probably you would expect that from us…
But today, we want YOU to talk about sex 😉
So the topic is about communication in the bedroom
Why it is so important and how to find a more relaxed and natural approach to it…
MELI: Damian, what would you say, why it is so hard for many couples to talk openly about sex?
Well, I guess, for a lot of people, it’s already difficult to communicate openly in general – also about feelings, needs, wishes, desires
Most of us are deeply afraid of vulnerability and rejection.
As children we often experienced that our authentic self-expression, our emotions, our desires etc. were not heard or not taken seriously.
And that hurt… deeply.
So we learned to better shut up and rather talk about facts and figures without showing too much of ourselves.
Additionally, most of us carry a lot of shame with regards to sex.
Just by observing the reactions of others – and especially our own parents, we learn: this seems to be a taboo, nobody talks about it, people turn red or silent when the topic of sex comes up and show very obvious signs of discomfort.
We pick up those things unconsciously and we imitate.
So most of the time, we avoid the topic of sex, of emotions, of anything vulnerable.
DAMIAN: But perhaps, you can also share a little bit about your own journey, Meli… How was it for you personally? Did you always talk as openly about sex as you do now??
No, not at all. I was always somewhat interested and curious about the topic, but also ashamed and quiet.
10 years ago, I would have never ever imagined, that one day, I would talk about sex on a public podcast 😉
And also in the bedroom, it was very hard for me to share what I wanted.
First of all, I did not know what I needed.
I didn’t really enjoy sex, but couldn’t say exactly what the problem was.
First, I pushed myself to perform and – at least – satisfy my man. Later, I found excuses for not having sex at all.
I did not talk about it, because I was ashamed, I thought something was wrong with me, but I did not have a clue what I needed instead…
Yes, it was very hard for me
I wanted to understand what the problem is, but Meli didn’t talk about it
I got insecure as well, because of the constant rejection
But without open communication, I also did not know how to solve the issue
I initiated less, and got more and more frustrated with the situation
When I think about it today, I guess the main problem was my own shame around the topic.
I had not spoken openly about sex to anyone, and still thought that what I saw in the media and in all love movies (that I watch quite a lot) was normal – and I was wrong / weird / broken, when I did not enjoy sex as I thought I should.
DAMIAN: So what helped you to break that cycle and start communicating?
What was really helpful and healing was the save environment in the tantra courses we attended – where other people openly shared about their challenges and issues with regards to sexuality.
So I learned, that what was shown in the media was definitely NOT what happened to most people’s bedrooms in real life.
Once I heard other women talk about the same challenges I was facing, it also gave me the courage needed to speak up as well.
I learned to understand WHY I wasn’t enjoying regular sex.
I learned what I needed instead – (which was tantric sex ;-))
In the tantra courses I learned so much about my own body, my own anatomy, my own pleasure – and that again helped me to share what I needed with my partner as well.
And that’s the same what we regularly see in our own courses.
Having a safe container where people talk openly about sex, is incredibly healing to every participant – and especially for those who are still struggling with shame around that topic.
One of our participants also shared:
The space that you create is so valuable… where the topic of sexuality can be addressed, where it is simply talked about, and that with ease, with naturalness and with humor. So respectful, so calm and unspectacular. Without any shame or indecency. I still can’t really believe it. As natural as you make it, it is not natural for me at all.
And of course, it does not always have to be the tantra course, but also finding close friends or a women’s / men’s group where it’s safe to talk about sex, can also help to get a more realistic view on sex and reduce own inhibitions and shame.
MELI: But what would you say, what couples need to do in order to establish a more open and honest communication in the bedroom, Damian?
First of all, I think it’s important to learn how to create a safe space and openly communicate about vulnerable topics in general.
A lot of people never learned how to do that… and are facing great difficulties in their relationship.
A starting point could be, to first of all address your own insecurities around that topic.
Talk about how uncomfortable it makes you feel to share your own desires and challenges in the bedroom.
That alone already helps to create connection and trust.
And it will let your partner know, that now is not the right time for silly jokes.
As a partner the best thing you can do is to just „hold space“, give your undivided attention and presence into the conversation.
Encourage your partner to speak his or her truth by being open, empathic and understanding.
If you are not quite sure how to do that, we will talk about it in more detail in the next episode and in our free masterclass on communication coming up on the 1st of November… you will find the link in the show notes…
Another aspect that was really helpful for me, is also to find the right vocabulary…
Whenever I had to talk about genitals, it somehow made me nervous because I did not know how to address them…
The medical terms felt weird and too formal for the bedroom, but all the other more familiar terms, somehow all have a negative connotation – being also used to swear or insult others…
Nowadays, I am really happy to use the Sanskrit or tantric words – yoni for the female and lingam for the male genitals…
Yoni and lingam represent the source of creation of all life, the symbol is found in many Indian temples, it’s sacred – worshipped and meditated on as a spiritual practice to overcome duality, reach a state of union, become one – as we do during love making.
I love this image and the sacredness linked to those words, which makes it so much easier to openly talk about it.
What I also see as a big challenge for many of our participants is how to address their own wishes and needs without hurting the partner.
A lot of people take the slightest hint of criticism – especially in their sexuality – very personal.
It hurts so much, because we are so open and vulnerable during sex.
If someone once made the experience of painful criticism or the partner shutting down due to the own feedback or self expression, a lot of people refrain from addressing the issue ever again.
Meli, what would you recommend in this case?
Before answering, I’d rather ask a question to all of you who are listening to the podcast.
Of course, we do not want to hurt our partner… and we do not want to get hurt ourselves…
But would you rather want your partner to endure something, he or she is not really enjoying??
Would you rather want your partner to stop wanting sex at all, because they are not getting what they need?
Would you rather give up on your own desires being fulfilled?
You can choose your poison.
What do you think is more painful in the long run???
Receiving honest feedback today and risk that your ego is hurt for a day?
Or your partner not saying anything, resentment building up over the years and then – one day – in an ugly fight – hearing all the things you did wrong in the past??
I don’t want to scare you with this.
I just want to make you aware of the long-term effects our decisions have.
We often only see the uncomfortable conversation right in front of us – and try to avoid it – we are just humans.
But once we become aware of the importance of this conversation and the detrimental effects it will have, when we avoid it, motivation might be higher to go into it even with our discomfort at hand.
I completely agree with this.
When Meli says in the moment, that she does not enjoy the way I touch her yoni – ouch – that hurts for a while, but then I can adjust and make her happy
But when I heard things in the past – after 3 years of making love to each other, that she had never really enjoyed, that was REALLY painful… and made me think:
„Why didn’t you tell me before???“
So, now that you know that giving feedback in time is crucial, I also want to build on HOW to give feedback.
I mean, there are a thousand different models and feedback rules out there, but the main thing I want to talk about, is making it constructive.
Do not talk about what you DON’T want, share with your partner what exactly you would love him to do – and even better: add what kind of effect this would have on you.
When Damian started to learn how to give me yoni massages (which was emotionally really difficult for me), I used to tell him all the time:
„no, that like this“
„stop, that hurts“
„you are too fast“
He still has my fullest respect, that he didn’t give up the whole project at that point
Yes that was really hard for me.
And on the other hand, I could see that a lot of the frustration she let out on me, was more due to her own internal processes, her own frustration with her body that did not respond in the way she wanted to, old pain and blockages stored in her yoni etc.
So, I just tried to focus on being of service and not taking her criticism too personal (except being too fast – I definitely take that 😉
But over time, she really learned to stop complaining and start sharing what exactly she wanted me to do and that made a huge difference on my motivation
I hope so… I really tried hard 😉
Instead of complaining „you are too fast“
I turned it around to a request: „could you please touch me a little bit slower? Like this, I can relax and enjoy more of the tingling and beautiful sensations that you make me feel“
And if he really puts in effort to slow down (which I know is hard for him ;-), I can immediately notice and share this as well: „yes exactly like this, thank you… uhhh, there are shivers running through my whole body“
Do you notice what kind of difference this makes to: „you are too fast… again…“?!?
And the last point, that was really helpful for me, was when Meli openly shared what she was experiencing during love making
What was going on in her body
What was going on emotionally
What was going on in her mind
This helped me so much to create more empathy and understanding for her and the processes she went through and made it easier for me offer the support she needed
Which I am still really grateful for
I would never have experienced all the healing and transformation I did in my sexuality, without Damian’s support and empathy.
And that only was possible, because I had the courage to share all the crazy thoughts, the weird sensations, the pain, the fear, the insecurities…
But also all the pleasure, joy, new insights, deep realizations and ecstatic bliss I was experiencing within…
So, I really encourage all of you to be courageous.
To be honest to each other.
To share your deepest desires.
To take the risk of temporarily being hurt today, in order to reach deep connection and fulfillment in the future.