The real reason why intimacy with your partner often does not take place and what you can do to change this in the future
“In our tightly scheduled everyday life, we simply have no time for sex and the relationship”
“Sex feels like just another to-do on the already endless list”
“We long to finally have time for ourselves again”
We hear these and similar sentences again and again from our participants.
Time seems to be one of the biggest challenges standing in the way of a fulfilling relationship and sexuality.
But what exactly is it all about?
What does it really mean when I say, “I don’t have time for sex?”
Because honestly. All people have exactly the same amount of time. 24 hours. Every day.
Why are there people who achieve so much in these 24 hours and still seem relaxed?
And others who toil day in day out, are stressed and constantly have the feeling that they will never be able to get everything done?
And why are there things (like self-care, relationship and sexuality) that somehow fall by the wayside for so many people?
Ultimately, there are 2 reasons for this:
- The topic is not important to me right now
- There is inner resistance that prevents me from doing what I actually want to do
No time for sex means no priority
What are your priorities in life right now?
What is really important to you?
Actually, answering this question is tricky for many.
Because there might be great variations in the answers, depending on the inner state you are in when asking.
In the hustle of daily life, the top priorities might be things like:
- Finishing this project
- Satisfying the angry customer
- Driving the kids to ballet or football class in time
- And buying the right groceries to feed them
But if you ask the same question in times of major life events or crisis – in the face of death, sickness or separation, answers will rather be things like:
The problem is, that we often confuse to do’s that are URGENT, with what is really IMPORTANT.
Most people spend the majority of their time handling urgent issues, like e-mails, phone calls, meetings and household but miss the opportunity to invest in the areas that really matter at the end of the day (or better said: at the end of your life)
In order to get your priorities right, it can be really valuable to imagine yourself as an old man or woman – looking back at your life.
What do you want to look at?
What do you want to remember?
Who do you want to have at your side?
How should this relationship be and feel like?
What do you want other people (your husband/wife/children/friends) to say about you at your funeral?
What do you want to leave behind?
The answers to these questions will give you a better understanding about what really matters in life.
And then look at your current life.
Are the things you are doing in everyday life contributing to this picture?
If you still want to be in a loving and fulfilled marriage in old age, how much time and energy are you investing today that will help you get there?
If you want your children to remember you as a loving father/mother, they could always turn to and that inspired them through your values and way of living, what can you do today to add to that picture?
Of course, it can be challenging to always act like that, and it’s also important to be loving and kind towards yourself if you do not manage to „make the world a better place“ every single day.
But perhaps you can check-in with yourself on a regular basis, if you are still „on the right track“ or if you need to make some small (or big 😉 adjustments to where your life is heading to right now.
It is also important to distinguish that it is not always just about the quantity of time for the area of life, but above all, about the quality of time.
Some days, Damian and I are physically together all day, but live alongside each other, organize everyday life, watch a movie together in the evening … and then still have the feeling that we need “time for us” again.
And on other days we only see each other for 2 hours, in which we are really present with each other, sharing openly, really hearing and seeing each other, creating deep closeness, making love or celebrating a Tantra ritual together…. And afterwards we feel recharged and connected for the whole week…
Making an area of life a priority does not always mean having to block 20 hours / week for it, but regularly investing high-quality time in which we are fully present (and not thinking about all the other things that still “should” be done in the meantime 😉).
No time for things that are really important to me means: the resistance is greater than the vision.
If you have now made it clear that intimacy in the relationship is really important to you and you still never find time for it, it is often because the inner resistance is greater than the desire for intimacy.
Again, there are 2 approaches:
- Reduce the resistances
- Strengthen the vision
In the first step, it is important to become aware of your own resistance. Most of the time these resistances lie deep in our subconscious and it takes some research to find the real reason.
What is stopping you from doing the things that are really important to you or taking time for your partner/your own sexuality?
It is particularly helpful to look at your own beliefs and emotions.
Recognize limiting beliefs
I had some beliefs (which I stored sometime in childhood without being aware of it) that had stood in my way for a long time and had me believe that I could not find time for sex:
- Sex is a lower instinct
- Desire for sex is something I have to be ashamed of
- To be a good lover, I have to please the man
- To make the man happy, I have to have an orgasm every time
These beliefs triggered so much shame, pressure and stress that my subconscious wanted to protect me and found many reasons why everything else was more important 😉
But also in relation to time / work ethic, many of us have caught beliefs that are not conducive. What were the sentences that you often heard from your parents or derived from their behavior?
- Work before pleasure
- Don’t dally – hurry up
- When I’m not constantly busy, I’m lazy and selfish
- I am only worth something if I achieve a lot / meet the expectations of others
Such beliefs naturally lead to the belief that work and “being busy” are incredibly important and that breaks/doing nothing/self-care/relaxation should be avoided at all costs (unless everything is done…which of course, never happens…).
Emotions control our behavior.
Additionally, it is important to understand that much of our behavior is driven by our emotions, or the emotions we expect to feel.
Behaviors that trigger positive feelings are repeated.
Behaviors that trigger negative feelings are avoided in the future.
As simple as that.
The problem with this is that our subconscious usually only considers the immediately triggered feelings.
Eating chocolate makes you happy (in the short term) – so more of it.
Going to the gym completely unfit is super frustrating (in the short term) – so better not do it again.
It is often the same in regards to relationship and sexuality.
Spending time with your partner often leads to the experience that topics which you had neatly swept under the rug suddenly come to the forefront and unpleasant conversations are up (short term) – so it’s better to avoid them.
For many, time for sex equals pressure of expectations, self-doubt and the feeling of being a failure if having an orgasm / erection / making your partner happy doesn’t work out well (short term) – so it’s better not to repeat it.
In such cases, it does take a certain amount of self-discipline.
Now, of course, that sounds super unsexy… especially in terms of intimacy.
Maybe we prefer to call it a conscious decision.
It takes a conscious decision to focus on the long-term consequences and benefits.
Consciously not eating too much chocolate because it is not good for me in the long term.
Bringing myself to do sports in the short term because it will make me feel much better in my body in the long term.
That is clear to most. But what does that mean for the relationship?
Making a conscious decision to have one or the other unpleasant conversation and to actively tackle the issues that stand between me and my partner, because it will strengthen the connection between us in the long term and is the basis of a fulfilling relationship.
Consciously investing in mutual intimacy, dissolving blockages and finding a form of lovemaking that both can enjoy to the fullest in order to experience a fulfilled sexuality in the long term and to also experience more love, joy and passion in the relationship.
Creating a vision that inspires to overcome obstacles
Yes, it pays off in the long run, that’s for sure.
But given the choice between watching TV (short-term gratification) and having a challenging conversation with the partner (long-term investment), most people will always follow their first impulse unless they’re 100% sure why they’re doing it.
So you need a vision that is stronger than your own resistance.
- What is your heart’s desire for your relationship and your sexuality?
- Why do you want to concern yourself with Tantra?
- What vision would motivate you to overcome possible resistance and not lose sight of your goal?
What can of course also help with all of this is getting support – both in dealing with resistance and in implementing your own vision.
Just as a personal trainer or the running group can help you to motivate yourself to get up and go jogging again and again or to really enforce the training plan, a Tantra seminar can help you to make intimacy in your relationship a priority (again) and to consciously take time for sex.
So to sum it all up, we invite you to double-check your real priorities and think about how you might need to change your everyday life in order to live according to what is REALLY important to you.
You might also want to develop a clear vision on what benefits these changes would bring you.
And if this is still challenging, have a look at possible resistances – beliefs or emotions – that might get in the way of acting the way you actually want to.
If you are looking for support in this, we invite you to join a free consultation call with us.