5 reasons why sex might feel like a to-do and what to do about it
What happens when you think about sex?
And especially sex with your partner?
Do feel yourself opening up in joy and love?
Do you remember all the wonderful moments together in the last few weeks?
Is your heart beating with anticipation for the next encounter?
Or do you feel your body tense up?
Does your mind start looking for possible excuses to avoid this frustrating experience?
Do you notice that your shared sexuality feels more like a duty or another to-do on the already way too long list?
If you find yourself more in the second category, you are not alone.
Many couples come to us because, because – over the years – sex has become an issue for them that is associated with frustration, heaviness or boredom…
… or (for similar reasons) simply doesn’t take place any longer.
Now, the big question is of course: Why is that so?
And what can we do about it?
Or: What can we do so that we do NOT feel the same way soon?
Unfortunately – as so often in life – there is not the ONE answer that applies to everyone.
Ultimately, it is important to take a closer look at your personal situation in order to find the real reason and then turn the right screws.
But there are always similar patterns and reasons that apply to many couples.
Reason #1: Sex is experienced as exhausting or boring
We humans are actually relatively simple.
When something feels good, we want to do more of it and repeat the experience as quickly as possible.
When something doesn’t feel good, our subconscious will try to avoid the experience in the future.
And of course, that also applies to lovemaking.
If the experience with your partner in bed was exciting, passionate, loving or – in whatever form – fulfilling for you, you will probably soon feel anticipation, passion and desire again and try to get back together as soon as possible.
But if you find shared intimacy exhausting, frustrating, or boring, it’s actually clear that over time the willingness to repeat the experience will diminish.
If that’s the case for you, it’s worth taking a closer look:
Why do I actually experience sex as so exhausting?
Do I feel like I have to perform? Do I put myself under pressure to meet any expectations (see next point)? Or is our lovemaking simply always associated with a lot of activity and therefore physically exhausting for me when I’m tired in the evening?
Or why does making love often feel boring or repetitive?
Do we mostly repeat the same standard repertoire? Do I lack the inspiration or the courage to try something new? Or is my partner less willing to experiment than I am?
No matter what your answer to these questions is, the solution probably lies in exploring other forms of lovemaking.
Because as Albert Einstein once said: “It’s crazy to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results”.
So you can ask yourself:
What can we do to shape our sexuality in a way that is less stressful and repetitive?
How can we create connection and intimacy even when we are both tired in the evenings?
How can we bring more excitement and variety back into our love life?
Tantra, for example, offers many exercises and practices to expand your own spectrum and explore new things.
Reason #2: Thoughts spirals & pressure of expectations
Another reason why sex can perhaps also trigger negative feelings and is therefore avoided is one’s own thought spirals before and during sex and the associated pressure of expectation.
If you have the feeling that this could apply to you, I would invite you to make two lists.
- What do you expect from yourself and your body during sex?
- What do you think your partner expects from you?
This can be things like:
- I should have more desire
- I should feel arousal when he or she touches in the bedroom
- I should definitely have an orgasm – or preferably more than one
- I should hold out as long as possible so that she can have an orgasm
- and and and…
What do YOU think you “should” do?
If you now realize that you have a very long list, it is actually also clear and understandable that sex feels more like a to-do.
After all, aren’t to-do’s mostly things that we “should” do even though we don’t particularly enjoy them?
My recommendation to you would be to question all of this and – above all – to talk openly with your partner about it.
Is it really true that he or she expects all this from you?
What’s the worst that can happen if you don’t meet all of those expectations?
And what’s the best thing that can happen if you don’t meet all of those expectations?
How about consciously ignoring the topic that triggers pressure in you?
How about if you simply accept what is… and curiously investigate where this is leading you..
You have a date night and you don’t feel like having sex? OK, no problem. What DO you desire actually? Cuddling, massage, talking, dancing,…?
Maybe you can start with that first and see what develops from it… without any goal or expectation…
You have sex and you put pressure on yourself to have an orgasm? What would love making look like without an orgasm? Take the focus away from the goal, onto the present moment and the connection to your partner. What gives you pleasure? What feels good? Follow your impulses and the joy – like children at play. They also do not have any goal 😉
Reason #3: Lack of connection to your own body
Another reason why the whole topic of sexuality often feels very far away or is approached like a to-do is the lack of connection to one’s own body.
Many people spend most of the day in their heads.
We think, write, discuss, analyze, organize, etc.
Both at work AND at home.
What is often neglected is time to move, to feel, to breathe, to perceive the present moment…
Time in the here and now.
Time in the body.
And if we are so rooted in our own thinking all day long, it is often very difficult to switch off our heads in the evening and come into our bodies.
And sexuality is only really fulfilling when we ARE in the body, when we feel and perceive ourselves and our partner, when we are really present.
In addition, the transition from work mode to a sensual and deeply connected sexuality is too great for many.
So there is the option to stay in your head and “work through” sex like another to-do… to get to your goal as quickly as possible and thus at least experience a little more relaxation in the end.
Or to rather keep doing other things and postpone the lovemaking to another day… whenever that might be…
In order to break through this pattern, consciously designed transition rituals can help.
A clear cut between work or organizing everyday life and quality time together.
A ritual to get from the head into the body.
What works well for many here is:
- Taking a conscious shower or bath, washing away your thoughts and worries and arriving completely in the here and now.
- A walk in the fresh air to get a “clear head”.
- Sport or exercise such as yoga, jogging, dancing, strength training, cycling or whatever it is you enjoy.
- A few conscious, deep breaths, pranayama or breathwork.
- Meditation or active meditations (OSHO has developed many meditations such as kundalini – shaking meditation, chakra breathing, dynamic meditation etc – that are all excellent to get into the body).
What helps you to feel yourself again and to get out of your head and into your body?
How about incorporating a short version of it in between everyday life and couple time and see what effect it has on your time together…?
Reason #4: Distance in the relationship
Sometimes the problems in bed are also an indicator that there is a lack of connection in other areas of the relationship.
Desire for sex usually arises when you feel connected to your partner…
… when you feel seen, heard and loved…
… when there is already a basis of loving closeness (like unintentional touch, hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc.) to build upon…
But when everyday life is characterized by arguments or distance… when there is a lack of emotional closeness… it is clear that physical closeness will also fall short at some point.
Sex isn’t something that happens at the push of a button when the kids are asleep at night – detached from the rest of the day.
Intimacy is something that tends to build up over the course of the day and week.
So it pays off to be really honest with each other.
How connected do you feel in everyday life?
How often do you really talk and listen to each other? Independently of the everyday organization and weekend planning…
How many loving gestures are there between you? Moments in which you are really present with your partner and really aware of each other?
And – probably most important of all – how do you deal with conflict?
What patterns become active when you are annoyed or triggered by each other?
Do you start criticizing, nagging, or blaming your partner?
Or do you withdraw emotionally, become cold or dismissive and limit communication to the bare minimum?
We all have our protective mechanisms to avoid unpleasant feelings.
But if these determine everyday life, it is poison for the relationship… and thus also for any form of intimacy.
That is why open communication in the relationship is often the first and most important step towards a fulfilling relationship and sexuality.
This means, no longer avoiding conflicts and unpleasant conversations, but actively tackling and solving them.
Recognizing your own protective strategies and opt for openness and vulnerability instead.
Admit your mistakes and forgive each other.
And of course, it also helps to consciously incorporate small loving gestures into everyday life to strengthen the connection.
Depending on the other person’s love language this can be a small gift or a compliment, support with daily tasks, a hug or your undivided attention…
Reason #5: Too much stress in other areas of life
One of the biggest challenges of our time and pleasure killer #1 is of course also the issue of stress.
High demands at work, problems with the children at home, household, appointments, sports, etc.
Somehow there is never enough time…for anything.
Of course, at the end of the day there is often no energy left for the relationship and intimacy.
Unfortunately, the consequences are often much more far-reaching than expected.
Stress in and of itself isn’t that bad. We are built to perform at our best in extreme situations.
In the past, it was to escape from the saber-toothed tiger.
Today, maybe more to give a presentation in front of the management or to run a marathon.
But we are also built to relax our nervous system after such situations, to come to rest and to rebuild our strength and energy.
However, the whole thing becomes problematic when the stress impulses are not just daily, but hourly or permanently and the rest and regeneration phases in between fall away.
When we skip the lunch break and prefer to eat a sandwich while we finish writing this important offer.
When there is no breathing pauses in between work, cooking, eating, putting the kids to bed, etc.
When we still make important phone calls and check emails at home after work and in the evenings.
Then, stress can have a detrimental impact on our health.
Back pain, tension, digestive problems, sleep disorders, tiredness, irritability and a loss of joy for life are just some of the symptoms.
Most of the time everything in life then becomes a to-do.
We only function and do whatever is expected of us.
Most of the time, all the things that “only” serve pleasure and joy are neglected.
And thus, also the quality time with our partner and our sexuality.
Of course, this is a bigger topic, which will probably not change overnight.
But it is very important to me to raise awareness.
Perhaps you would like to ask yourself the following questions:
How do you really want to live?
What is most important to you?
In which area of your life is it time to say NO, to set healthy boundaries and to reset your priorities?
Priorities in favor of your health, your family, your relationship and your own happiness.
Finally, you can look again at all the different reasons for sex feeling like a duty. Which one of those apply to you the most?
Do you experience sex as exhausting or boring?
Do you suffer from your own thought spirals & pressure of expectations?
Do you lack connection to your own body?
Do you feel a lot of distance in your relationship?
Or is it the main reason too much stress in other areas of life?
Whatever your issue is, I am pretty confident that tantra can help you solve it, as tantra is not only about more variety and ecstasy during love making, but also about mindfulness, becoming aware of your thoughts and feelings and minimizing stress and pressure.
Tantra is also about connecting with your self and your partner, to create a relationship based on love and understanding.
If you would like to approach this topic consciously in order to experience regular intimacy with your partner and, above all, to find deep fulfillment in your love making, then we warmly invite you to start digging deeper into the topic of Tantra.
In order to find out what to do in your particular situation or which program would be the best fit for your current needs in the relationship, you are most welcome to book a free consulting call: