3 tips for a fulfilling love life, even when both are tired and exhausted
Who doesn’t know this?
The whole day is packed with work, appointments, household chores, urgent errands and whining children…
And when you finally call it a day and the children are asleep…
When you finally have time for each other, for the relationship, for intimacy…
Then one or both of you are so tired and exhausted that nothing works anymore…
What? Sex? Now?
No way! Far too exhausting!
If anything, maybe we can watch a movie together.
But that’s all I can think of today…
Does that sound familiar to you?
To be honest, I felt the same way for a long time…
I used to be on the road a lot – in my job as a management consultant – and when I came home in the evening after 3 days of training, sex was the last thing on my mind.
Today, on the other hand, my everyday life – with my own business and a small child – is also often stressful and exhausting…
And yet, I always look forward to quality time together at the end of the day.
What has changed?
- My thinking
- The forms of intimacy we live
- The feelings I associate with it
Tip #1: Examining your own thoughts and beliefs
First, I would encourage you to be honest with yourself and explore what thoughts, beliefs, and expectations are floating around in your head that are getting in the way of intimacy at the end of the day.
What do you think must happen when you become intimate with your partner?
What do you think is expected of you?
What do you have to do?
What does your partner have to do?
And if you look at all these aspects…
What is connected with activity and effort?
What do you need energy for that you don’t have?
Many of the couples who come to us assume that sex is exhausting because…
- They’d have to shower, shave or dress sexy beforehand
- They’d have to massage, caress or otherwise pamper their partner to get them aroused
- Many have the feeling that they have to “perform” in bed
- Many put extreme pressure on themselves to climax or not to come too early
- For most people, sex involves a lot of activity, movement and changing positions
Today I would encourage you to question all of this.
Is it really like that??
Personally, I love “The Work” or Byron Katie.
It’s about questioning your own thoughts and asking yourself:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without that thought?
By doing this thought experiment alone, so much tension and pressure can go away.
We often only avoid spending time with our partner because there are so many unspoken expectations attached to it.
What if none of these existed?
What if you didn’t have to do anything?
What if you can just be yourself – exactly as you are right now?
Tired and exhausted?
Stressed and tense?
Annoyed? Furious? Sad? Overwhelmed? Desperate?
Everything can be there.
It’s not about playing any role in front of your partner or faking anything that isn’t there.
True connection only occurs when we are authentic.
When we are really there… with all our facets and all our emotions.
Tip #2: Exploring new forms of intimacy
Okay, the first – and most important – step is done.
If your own thinking is no longer in the way and you are open and willing to get involved in shared couple’s time even at the end of an exhausting day, then the next big question naturally arises: “What do we do then??“
My first answer is: “Nothing”
Because it’s not primarily about DOING something…
… but it’s about BEING …being present with each other…
BEING? … you might ask… How does that work?
Unfortunately, this is a skill that is rarely cultivated nowadays.
Can you still remember how you used to spend your time on a bus or train before the smartphone appeared – by watching people or just looking out of the window?
Can you still remember how you used to meet up with your friends as a teenager just to “hang out” – and how the funniest (or sometimes the dumbest) activities came about as a result?
Do you remember how, as a child, you could spend hours entertaining yourself with some water and sand – just for the joy of the sensory experience?
That’s what BEING is about.
No goal. No intention. No plan. No distraction.
Maybe even a moment of boredom… because – by the way – boredom is one of the best starting points for creativity to arise.
Just be present in the here and now. (I know, this is easier said than done…)
Perceive with all your senses.
Follow the impulses that arise from this.
So what does this mean specifically for the couple’s time spent together?
Maybe you can just snuggle up in bed together.
Breathe.
Feel yourself.
Feel your partner. The warmth. The breathing rhythm. The energy.
Arrive in the present moment.
You may also want to take a moment to just look into each other’s eyes and really see each other.
Maybe you feel like sharing what you’re noticing right now.
What do you feel in your body? What do you perceive in your partner? How are you feeling right now?
Sometimes that’s enough.
Sometimes that turns into a conversation.
Sometimes it develops into an impulse to move, to find a different position, to touch, kiss, teasing the partner, etc.
Sometimes not.
Sometimes you might fall asleep.
Sometimes you feel like staying right there in this moment.
Anything is allowed.
There is no goal.
Of course, this can also be deepened or adapted over time, so that it can also be a pathway into shared sexuality.
- If you want, you can also lie on top of each other in a way that you can both relax completely and breathe together. This can be done both dressed and naked and can create a lot of connection – and definitely pleasure – through physical contact and breathing.
- If you want, you can also (with or without an erection) come into sexual union and then stay there, breathe, feel, look into each other’s eyes…
Because who said sex has to be super active all the time?
What if there is no goal, no orgasm?
What if the main thing is to feel each other and to get into deep connection with each other?
Tip #3: Create positive experiences and associations
For many participants in our programs, this relaxed form of sexuality has changed their entire love life.
Towards more connection… more love… more mindfulness… but also towards more energy and passion.
Because once you find out that it’s possible to start couple time tired, annoyed and exhausted and an hour later feel totally fulfilled, connected, happy and energetically charged, then of course you want to repeat this experience as soon as possible.
Once the pressure and expectations are gone, there is suddenly much more room to experiment, play and discover new things.
And then the initial “oh, I really just want to cuddle today” becomes a… “Mhm… feeling you inside of me for a moment would actually be nice, too”…
And then some movements… and maybe some other positions…
And at some point there is so much desire and energy that 1 hour later we are still in the middle of lovemaking…
The most important thing is actually to make the start of lovemaking as easy as possible and not to do anything because you think you “should” but only to do what feels right, what wants to arise from the moment.
It often takes some time at the beginning to change your own attitude towards sexuality.
But the more positive experiences you gather over time, the better.
Because at some point sex is no longer associated as “exhausting” and as something that costs me energy, but as something that gives me an incredible amount of energy and connects me deeply to my partner.
And that not only has a positive effect on the frequency of intimacy, but also on the connection in everyday life, one’s own energy and stress levels and overall life satisfaction.
I’ve often heard the question at the end of our programs:
It’s really weird, but since we started to have more sex again, we suddenly argue less, are both much more relaxed, can ignore many things that used to annoy us a lot in the past and even our children and friends ask, why we suddenly seem so happy 😉
Is there a connection?
Who knows…
Maybe you want to find it out for yourself?!? 😉