Why suppressing and acting out doesn't work and what is REALLY needed
I feel it again… the desire.
Desire for physicality.
Desire to feel my wife and to be in her.
The desire to feel my own and her horniness. To merge and to give each other the most intense orgasm we have ever experienced.
I’ve been horny all day.
The pictures keep coming at the funniest moments.
It is as if my thoughts are obsessed with them.
I can feel the pressure in my pelvis.
I cannot think clearly.
50% of the time my thoughts revolve around the one topic of sex.
I still manage to somewhat concentrate and do my work until the end of the work day.
After work – arriving at home – I greet my wife.
For a brief moment I feel the desire that sparks in me again.
I hug her, start kissing her, want to initiate something, but she doesn’t want to know about it, pushes my hand away and asks me to take out the garbage and set the table.
I withdraw in frustration.
I doubt if she even wants me anymore.
My desire stays.
The thoughts in my head keep circling… a mixture of fantasies, guilt and shame.
Maybe I’m wrong.
She doesn’t feel this desire, she doesn’t have any pressure like me.
The desire is still there in the evening.
I know I can’t fall asleep with it.
I am restless and irritable.
When my wife has gone to bed, I can take some time to check out some porn and take matters into my own hands.
I allow myself this brief satisfaction, even if I feel some shame about it. My body relaxes and the pressure disappears… At least until tomorrow I can sleep peacefully.
We hear these or similar stories again and again in our work with couples. While one partner is often so busy with everyday life, job, family or other issues that sex just falls completely behind, the other partner often doesn’t know what to do with his / her sexual desire.
In this article we want to take a look at the strategies most people use to somehow “get rid of” their lust and why these unfortunately don’t usually work in the long term.
Alternatively, I would like to show you how Tantra can really help to solve this issue and instead of frustration and constant pressure in the pelvis, experience more freedom, ecstasy and deep fulfillment in your own love life.
At the beginning of my sexual journey, I also had a lot of sexual desire.
I could never get enough sex.
Ideally, I would have had sex several times a day.
Of course, I had consumed a lot of porn and my thoughts were constantly revolving around this topic.
In my relationship with Meli, this has led to many challenges and conflicts.
I didn’t know what to do.
It seemed like a bottomless pit.
Of course I thought Meli was the problem.
After all, in a monogamous relationship, it’s her job to satisfy my desire… right?
Today I can say that sex is no longer an issue that puts a strain on me and our relationship, but – on the contrary – continues to strengthen the connection and love between us.
I am no longer dependent on sex and I no longer perceive my lust as pressure and tension, but as a source of energy and aliveness.
I am happy – both with Meli and alone – to reach ecstatic states more and more often, to explore and discover new things again and again and to experience unimagined highs.
In my coaching sessions and in my work with couples, I hear again and again what a burden it is for many men (and women too) when their own sexual desire is not reciprocated.
So the first thing we want to do is look at how most people usually deal with their lust.
What strategies do we use to deal with sexual desire?
One strategy is to suppress your own lust.
The other is to act it out and experience a momentary gratification.
However, neither of these options bring us freedom. Only a short-term solution. Sometimes they can make the problem even worse.
Suppressing sexual desire means giving up a piece of our vitality
When we are repeatedly criticized and shamed for our desire, one possible protective strategy is to suppress it and dissociate from it.
It should be noted that this usually happens unconsciously.
We forget to feel it, deal with other things and form beliefs such as “There is something wrong with me”, “I am wrong the way I am”, “I want too much”, “Sex is a lower instinct”, Etc…
Sometimes this conditioning happens as early as childhood and adolescence, when our parents catch us touching our genitals or masturbating, and we then store sex as a shameful topic.
Sometimes a relationship can also be the reason for this. For example when the other person has much less or no desire and makes you feel again and again as if your desire is wrong,…
So the logical conclusion is: in order to be loved, I have to push the desire away.
The problem with this is that sexual desire is closely linked to our aliveness, creativity, and emotions.
A fulfilled sexuality can trigger feelings of deepest fulfillment, security, love and happiness. When I suppress that sexual energy, I also suppress that part of me… part of my aliveness and my emotions.
If one believes that what one is feeling is wrong, then for many people it means that they would rather not feel themselves at all.
That they do not only suppress their lust, but also other needs.
“Okay, then I’ll just do what’s expected of me.”
We stop living authentically and start to only function.
Excessively living out the desire often not only damages the relationship, but also ourselves
The second alternative is to live out the desire excessively.
Here we do everything to experience short-term gratification.
We follow short-term pleasure.
Unfortunately, this pleasure on the outside can only be short-lived, so that we have to repeat it again and again and never become really free.
If we want to live out our sexual desire, but our partner does not agree, we develop certain strategies that help us to fulfill this desire.
These strategies include:
- Regular consumption of porn or other media
- Pressuring or manipulating the partner
- Sex outside of the relationship or cheating
But what are the long-term effects of these strategies on us and the relationship?
1. Regular consumption of porn or other media
Through porn, erotic films, books or magazines we can jerk off or masturbate, discharge the pressure in the pelvis and feel short-term fulfillment.
For me, that had been my favourit strategy for years to make me feel better for a short period of time. Let the tension and the demands of everyday life drain away for a few seconds (at the time of orgasm), enjoy a moment of emptiness and feel a wonderful feeling in my body.
But then, after a few seconds or minutes, I came back to my normal state, just maybe a little more relaxed.
At the latest when the next meeting at work was due or I had stress with my partner, I was back to the point where I had been before.
The problem is that a certain addiction factor can quickly set in and one can slip into a (more or less obvious) dependency.
To find out to what extent this applies to you, you can simply make a decision to give up porn for a month and see how you feel about it…
Another challenge is that the stimuli in porn – which are often becoming more and more extreme – often make us numb and then sexuality with our own partner is no longer sufficient to build up enough excitement or to reach orgasm.
Therefore, this strategy should be used with great caution and with the knowledge that porn consumption will never give us the long-term fulfillment that we actually long for.
2. Pressuring or manipulating the partner
Another strategy many use to deal with sexual frustration in a relationship is to pressure or manipulate their partner in order to get their needs met.
Unfortunately, both of them are not completely happy with that either.
For a long time, my form of manipulation was to withdraw emotionally if we hadn’t had sex for a long time. Or to be in a bad mood and push until Meli got involved… but mostly not because she wanted to, but because she wanted harmony and connection in the relationship again.
So the sex was usually not very fulfilling for either of us.
Manipulation can often take many different forms…from withdrawal and emotional coldness, to criticism, shaming, pressure, threats, whining, victim thinking, playing the innocent, or seduction…
You might want to be honest with yourself and consider which of these strategies you may have used before.
Of course, this often happens unconsciously and not at all out of bad intention, but rather out of desperation.
But if this becomes a fixed pattern in the relationship, it can of course put a lot of strain on it and destroy trust, security and connection.
Hence my question to you: do you want your partner to have sex with you even though he or she doesn’t actually want it at the moment? Or do you want a sexuality based on freedom, respect, appreciation and love?!?
3. Sex outside of the relationship or cheating
It is probably clear to everyone that cheating is not a good solution.
And yet the percentage of infidelity in long-term relationships is extremely high.
Of course, the reason for this is usually not bad intentions, but desperation.
If my partner cannot satisfy my needs and all other strategies fail, then I have to look elsewhere for the solution…
Either consciously or in the heat of passion when the opportunity presents itself and I become a victim of my own lust and urges…
We lie to ourselves in hopes of finding satisfaction in someone else and hoping that satisfaction will stay with us forever.
But then we are disappointed again and again and are still caught in the cycle of short-term pleasure gratification.
And of course in most cases (unless it is a freely chosen and very conscious open relationship) the connection and closeness in one’s own relationship also suffers.
When all these strategies don’t work, the natural question is: how to do otherwise? How can I deal with my sexual desire in a constructive way?!?
Understanding what need is being satisfied through sex
First, it’s important to understand that sex is one of the biggest projection fields we have in our lives. We believe that we can fulfill many needs through sex.
For example, sex is used to relieve stress, to relax, to have more aliveness, or – as we have described above – sex can also be used to find short-term satisfaction and contentment, and to numb ourselves from life’s challenges and problems.
We are often so stressed, have so many to-dos, run from one meeting to the next, still have to do the household at home, take care of the children, have so many expectations placed upon us… that we are entitled to a short reward!
Sex can also be linked to unconscious longings and beliefs.
Sex has served me, for example, to strengthen my self-esteem, to feel lovable or even to feel my emotions and love at all.
I was looking for recognition and validation.
When I performed well in bed and gave my wife orgasms, I gave myself permission to feel loved.
So for me it was a hole that could never be filled by normal sex, by porn, or by manipulation.
Because we get to find self-esteem and love within ourselves and not on the outside.
Solving the root cause of the problem rather than treating symptoms
The reason why all the above things cannot give us sustainable fulfillment is:
They only treat the symptoms and don’t get to the root of the problem.
What do I mean?
The symptom in this case is: I feel pressure in my pelvis and this makes me restless.
This can manifest itself, for example, in the form of a bad mood, irritability or outbursts of anger.
So there is too much energy in the body and it needs to be channeled in some way.
So I can regulate myself through sex. The energy is channeled out of the system and I can calm down for a short time.
Unfortunately there are 2 problems:
- I’m losing energy
- My original problem is not solved but will come knocking again fairly quickly.
Unfortunately, in our consumer society, treating symptoms and not getting to the heart of the problem is now more the rule than the exception.
Modern medicine can be mentioned as an example here, which treats symptoms with medication and does not take a holistic view of the human being.
So it’s a dead end that we can’t get out of with old strategies.
Tantra as a possible way out
What possibilities does Tantra offer us?
Through Tantra we can find a path to freedom…
Real freedom and real fulfillment.
The first tool here is awareness.
Becoming aware of one’s cage first.
To understand what roles sex plays in our lives and what we project onto the topic of sex.
To understand that we are trapped and that short-term pleasure gratification will never give us peace.
It’s about understanding our desire and what’s behind it.
In other words: to embark on a journey to get to know ourselves better.
Tantra is about seeing ourselves whole.
With all our flaws and shadows.
With all the lust, all the pain and all the longings that we carry within us.
Through Tantra we learn to better understand our sexual energy and get tools to deal with this energy.
In Tantra we not only work on the mental level, but can also use the physical, energetic, emotional and spiritual levels to understand ourselves better and to find the right techniques in order to live a freer life.
Which tools these are in detail varies from person to person – depending on where your personal challenge lies.
Personally, yoga techniques and breathing exercises have helped me a lot on a physical and energetic level to reduce pressure in the pelvis and to learn how to move and direct the sexual energy in my body.
This not only freed me from my dependence on Meli, but also meant that lovemaking (with her and also with me alone) suddenly became much more fulfilling and I – with a little practice – could also more and more experience energy flowing in my whole body as well as whole body orgasms. So after sex I was not only relaxed and tired, but often also totally energized and full of drive.
We always have the choice to carry on as before, fighting with our desire and seeking short-term gratification…
Or to get to the root of the issue and bring light into the darkness.
To solve the issues really sustainably and to lead a freer life.
This is where the work of the heart comes into play.
If we manage to open our hearts, develop compassion for ourselves and our partner, feel more love and address the issue together, then it will be much easier for both of us.
And it’s a beautiful way to grow in connection and love for each other.
Tantra is not only a way to freedom, but also a way of love.
Through Tantra we can meet on a completely different level during sex. Truly see and feel each other and experience deep fulfillment.
If you would like to find out to what extent Tantra can also help YOU on the way to more freedom, self-empowerment and love, then you are welcome to book a free initial consultation.
This conversation is about finding out where you stand right now, what stands in your way the most in order to experience a fulfilling relationship and sexuality and which methods suit YOU and your relationship best.