Today I want to write about joy. Where and how can I invite more joy into my life? And above all, how can I have more joy in my partnership?
We all strive for certain things in our lives. For more success, relaxation and lightness. For a fulfilled relationship, more love and much more. Many of us also strive for more joy. The question is, is joy our natural state, yet one that we often don’t see, feel, or allow? Or is joy something that should be worked for?
I have felt little joy in my life for years. Due to tension, stress, many to do’s and much more, the joy had faded into the background. The constant striving for optimization and the inner critic had always prevented me from feeling joy.
As inner development usually happens out of dissatisfaction, I was also afraid that if I felt too much joy, I would stop developing, even regress.
Over the past few years, I’ve come to realize more and more that joy is always within me. It’s just my choice to recognize, allow, feel and express it.
When we experience joy with our partner, we feel light, connected, happy and grateful for our partner. It is therefore worth taking a closer look at the topic of joy and finding out how each of us ticks….
What stands in the way of joy?
First of all, we want to look at everything that stands in the way of joy in a relationship.
There are many aspects in our relationship that can prevent us from feeling more joy. Old wounds and painful experiences from the past, injuries, beliefs, ignorance, expectations of the partner, fears… The list is probably endless.
As most already know, our partners often have the unique superpower to trigger points in us that can be very painful or infuriating. This does not happen out of bad intention, but out of habitual patterns based on the past, learned from the environment and especially the parents.
However, the decisive factor is not that our partners do things that trigger us, but that it affects us. One and the same situation can be extremely triggering on one day and on another we can remain completely relaxed.
As a simple example, we can take the following sentence: “Can you please pick up the socks from the floor?” This sentence can be interpreted as a request. That’s how most would take it. But it can also be understood as a criticism that can be understood like this: “You haven’t cleaned up after yourself again.”
So the question is not what the partner is doing, but my own reaction to it. Here it is important to bring in awareness, to perceive one’s own reaction and also to recognize all the processes that take place in the background in us. It is quite possible that we sense the partner’s frustration here. We may sense anger here. We may feel sadness… All of these different reactions, emotions and beliefs can potentially get in the way of joy. It is therefore important to take responsibility for our reactions and emotions.
More awareness of joy, shifting focus
In my experience, I have learned that I can direct my attention to joy so that it can grow bigger and take up more space in my life. It’s up to me where I put my focus. Of course, it’s best not to cheat or lie to yourself.
In a bereavement, for example, I can’t just focus on the joy and suppress grief or pain. Or if there was a breakup, there would probably be more sadness than joy at first. Yet, it can be helpful to know that joy is still there (in whatever intensity). But we have to focus on it and be open to feeling and receiving it.
Joy is also a very good inner compass. If we manage to get out of functioning, to slow down, to be really mindful – away from goal orientation – then we can enjoy more.
We are often so obsessed with our goals that we try to achieve them with all our might. We stress and often get frustrated when we don’t live up to our ideals and standards. Or worse – when we are criticized for our work.
In my experience, we can shift the focus from this frantic goal orientation to curiosity, trust and slowing down.
The process of learning can be associated with more joy. We can learn to let go of the goal and focus more on the process. Enjoying the process more by focusing on the beautiful feeling within and letting it grow.
Joy is in all of us
Joy is one of the basic emotions that exist within us. Therefore, we humans have the opportunity to feel joy – also in our relationship. In Tantra we always say “the energy flows where our attention goes”. We live in a bizarre time. We are constantly bombarded with negative news. Most news in the media are negative and tell us that the world is not a safe place. So we feel fear. Fear is also known to be a tool for manipulation.
It is in our power and also our responsibility to focus more on joy. Through our consciousness we have the possibility to change our inner state. For example, we can change our habits. Sitting less in front of the TV in the evening and watching negative news, but being more in the moment and spending a nice evening with our partner, where we can focus on the joy of doing things together that bring us more into connection(Link) and celebrate our relationship.
All emotions are allowed to co-exist
Another important aspect is that all emotions are allowed to co-exist. This is very much related to the development of our nervous system. As young children, we can only feel one emotion at a time. As we evolve, we learn that some emotions are “good” and some are not. Some are seen as positive, others as negative. The negative ones are accordingly often suppressed because they are also associated with pain.
As adults, however, we have the ability to feel multiple emotions at once. So fear can co-exist with joy at the same moment. Grief can co-exist with joy and so on…
Knowing this has helped me a lot in my life. To realize that joy is always there in my everyday life, even if it is sometimes very subtle. Even in my sadness I can feel joy as I share it with a fellow human being. This also makes grief more bearable. Even when I’m angry, I can find joy in feeling powerful, in feeling my energy and aliveness. Even when I’m scared, I can feel the joy of being. All of these examples show that we can learn to accept all of our emotions and let them co-exist.
So how can we live the joy more in our relationship?
First of all, we can find out together what brings us joy and do it more and more. Be it doing sports together, living out a common passion, common hobbies, development in sexuality,… The list can go on.
Then we can find out what stands in the way of joy. Why don’t we do the things that would bring us joy?
It is often habits that prevent us from doing so. Here it is also worth looking at what the purposes of these habits are. Are they there so that we don’t feel each other? Do they protect us from feeling dissatisfaction?
Tantra helps to get more into the body. To feel more, to be more mindful and to have a common theme in the partnership in which we can develop further. An experience that allows us to get to know ourselves and our partner better.
It is therefore worth getting to know each other better, meditating, connecting with your partner, talking about our emotions, having someone to talk to, talking about fears, allowing sadness, showing ourselves as we are – with all angles and edges.
Joy of being
In Tantra, at some point, we want to get to the point where we are completely in the moment. Being completely authentic with ourselves and our partner and having pure joy in being.