Un langage d’amour est la façon dont nous préférons recevoir et montrer de l’amour.
Do you sometimes have the feeling that your partner speaks a different language than you?
… or just doesn’t understand you??
How often do we talk past each other, argue about stupid misunderstandings or think that we are constantly showing our partner how much we love them – but somehow it doesn’t seem to reach them…
For this reason, we want to take a closer look at the 5 love languages today and how this knowledge can help to make both partners feel really seen and loved.
A love language describes the way in which we receive and give love. This often corresponds to what we have learned in our childhood. But it can also be related to personal preferences.
“The 5 Love Languages” is a book by Gary Chapman. The languages described in it are:
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Love Language: Acts of Service
People whose strongest love language is “Acts of Service” love to do something for their partner, to support and help them in whatever way they can.
They shop, cook, clean, take out the garbage, take care of the kids, fix things immediately when they break, etc.
They often also do things that are normally the responsibility of their partner. If they see that the other person is stressed or overwhelmed, they jump in and take over the task.
They express their love by doing something for the other.
They try to take the weight off their partner’s shoulders most of the time so that their partner can relax and be happy.
Love Language: Gifts
Another way of showing love to one’s partner is with gifts that come from the heart.
And by that I don’t just mean the birthday or Christmas presents but also the ones for no other reason than “just because”
For example, bringing something home after a trip, thinking of something that is not on the shopping list because your partner really likes it, or also in between, because the impulse to give a gift to the beloved is there.
Most of the time, these gifts are really well thought out and tailored to the person.
People with this love language are often very, very open to hints.
No matter what the loved one says, they always hear what kind of wishes are involved and what could make a good gift. And they remember this for a long time…
Perhaps you have already experienced that you told a person around you something that you are excited about and then, several weeks or months later, received a perfectly fitting birthday present.
If so, this person most likely had the love language “Gifts”, or at least learned to speak it 😉
Love Language: Words of Affirmation
Other people express their love more in the form of words of appreciation. They love to give compliments.
These can be compliments on the appearance – for example the new haircut, the blouse, the outfit but also on the charisma or on special character traits.
Wow, the new necklace is a great color – it suits your eyes perfectly.
I love the dimples that appear when you smile.
I admire the ease with which you speak in front of people and captivate them with your words.
It’s also about expressing your own gratitude for things that your partner has done or said.
People in which this love language is strongly developed do not take anything for granted, but appreciate and thank each other for every gesture, no matter how small.
To them, it is equally important to be seen and recognized for their own efforts.
For people who speak this love language, confessions of love play a major role.
They usually can’t hear enough that they are loved.
At least one “Love you” or “I love you” per day and preferably a few more in different variations 😉
This can be in the form of words, small pieces of paper stuck somewhere in the apartment or a short message on the cell phone.
To the person whose love language is words of affirmation, these words are like nourishment that make them thrive.
Love Language: Quality Time
Another love language is time together. Quality time.
So for people with this love language, the most important thing is to just spend time together, as a couple. No other people and most importantly, no disturbance.
They want their partner’s full presence, full attention and no interruptions.
For them, the worst scenario is what you see more and more often in restaurants, where two people go out to eat and then both look at their cell phones and text someone else. This is definitely not quality time!
So quality time means being 100% there , really looking each other in the eyes and being open about what each of you feels in the moment.
Quality time can be things like going on a date, traveling together, experiencing something together… However, it is always important that the activity allows real connection and not just sitting together in front of the television, for example.
Love Language: Physical Touch
The last love language is physical touch, intimacy and tenderness.
People with this love language usually use every opportunity to touch their partner – or often other people.
Surely you know a person who always wants to hug you when you say hello to them (even if it’s just a customer or colleague), stands super close during a conversation, keeps touching your arm or patting you on the shoulder…?
They take every opportunity for closeness, which is not always understandable or pleasant for others…
In their own relationship, they like to sit close to their partner, hold hands when going for a walk, hug long and tightly and kiss as often as possible.
They love massages. And for them, intimacy and sexuality are usually very important as well.
So in what way does this knowledge help me for my relationship?
To find out, I would like to tell you a few examples from our own relationship.
My strongest love languages are:
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
Damian’s strongest love languages are:
- Physical Touch
- Words of Affirmation
This may make it clear that there is potential for conflict 😉
At the beginning of our relationship, I mostly wanted to do as much as possible for Damian. Before he came to me in the evening, I cleaned the apartment, went shopping, cooked something special, decorated the room with flowers and candles, etc.
Unfortunately, my time management isn’t the very best, so I was sometimes a little stressed the moment he was in front of the door.
That in turn annoyed him because he just wanted to spend a relaxed time with me – preferably in bed.
He couldn’t appreciate all the things I had done for him because they aren’t important to him.
He wanted physical contact, cuddles, massage, sex and I was angry because I tried so hard and he didn’t see it and “always wanted the one thing”…
When we then lived together, there were also a lot of arguments because I expected him to do more around the house – that is, to speak my love language.
I was constantly annoyed by dirty clothes on the floor, chaos, unfinished dishes or overflowing garbage…
He, on the other hand, was frustrated because I never felt like having sex and therefore couldn’t fill his love tank.
But the more chaos in the apartment, unfinished to-do’s in my head and arguments in the relationship, the less I was naturally ready for intimacy.
It was a vicious cycle.
Damian really made an effort to compliment me a lot (at least for my appearance – not necessarily for my housework ;-)). He hugged me a lot and massaged me for hours.
But in the beginning, I did not get the support and acts of service in everyday life that I so desperately wanted.
It wasn’t until we heard about the different love languages for the first time in a seminar that we saw clearly how we had communicated past one another for years.
With the new knowledge, we were able to clear all the misunderstandings and start learning each other’s language in order to gift each other with the things that are really important to us.
I understood that Damian’s need for closeness and sex isn’t just some primal instinct, it’s his way of giving and receiving love.
In no other way can he open his heart as easily and widely as through hugs, touch and making love. I realized how much more energy he had and how much more connection and love there was between us when we made time for intimacy on a regular basis.
It wasn’t that easy for me at the beginning, since I had many other blockages myself, but I was willing to look at the issue and heal it – which ultimately also brought us to Tantra.
Damian, on the other hand, understood that I couldn’t relax and feel sexual desire as long as I was stressed out doing all the to-do’s at home…
When he started taking on more household chores or looking after our daughter so that I could relax a little, I was suddenly much more open to physical closeness afterwards.
Of course it took a certain amount of time to learn the new love language, but I can say that it has made a huge difference in our relationship and we both really feel seen and loved now.
Recognizing your own love language and the one of your partner
Maybe after this short introduction you already have an idea where your personal preferences lie.
Of course, it’s usually not just one language, but a combination of different ways of expression.
You may have also discovered your partner in one or the other description.
In the next step, you can either both take a test (https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language) or just talk openly about your own preferences.
Share with your partner how you receive love and how you prefer to give it. What he is already doing, what makes you feel loved and what you still wish for.
Then take the time to listen to him/her.
This exercise is most valuable when both of you are as specific as possible. So don’t just say that Acts of Service are important to you. But what that means for you personally.
Is it particularly important to you that your partner does the dishes or supports you with childcare or does the tax return for you, etc.??
The more concrete, the easier it is for the partner to actually implement things.
We would also encourage you to do this exercise in writing. That each of you makes a long list of things your partner can do to make you feel loved.
Of course you can also set priorities on this list so that your beloved knows how he/she can collect the most points 😉
When you have created these lists, shared them with each other and discussed them to avoid any misunderstandings, then it is time to implement them.
Sometimes it can be helpful to make a little game out of it for the first 30 days, consciously choose one thing from your partner’s list every day and then do that thing for them.
This may sound artificial now (just like any foreign language sounds a bit clumsy at first), but it is very helpful for developing new habits until the new language has become second nature and the partner is also speaking it fluently …
How can I use the knowledge of love languages to find the right Christmas present?
Since Christmas is just around the corner, I also wanted to mention that knowing love languages is also very relevant when it comes to Christmas presents.
And not only for your own partner, but also for any other person you would like to give a gift to.
It’s definitely worth thinking about what this person’s love language could be and what they particularly appreciate.
For a person with the love language “Acts of Service”, it might be an idea to give them a voucher for certain “love services”.
This can be a voucher for car repairs, painting the apartment, computer help, babysitting or whatever would relieve the person the most.
They probably appreciate that more than any other expensive gift.
Of course, if you know that your counterpart loves gifts, it has to be a physical gift that shows how you care.
What has the person mentioned in the last few weeks that they would like to have? What hobbies and interests do they have and what else could be needed for that? What are beautiful things that this person particularly likes?
For this type of person, there can also be several gifts and of course they can also be nicely wrapped 😉
For a partner or family member whose love language is Words of Affirmation, perhaps the best gift you can give them is to write a love letter.
Consciously take the time to write down everything you appreciate about this person. All the wonderful qualities that you love about them and are thankful for.
This can be a letter or a video – maybe even with nice pictures of you in the background. For many people, something like this is infinitely precious and will certainly be looked at regularly…
With the love language “Quality Time”, the ideal Christmas present is a voucher for joint activities.
This can be a candlelight dinner with your partner, a weekend in a wellness hotel, a short trip to another city or a joint seminar.
Otherwise, various event agencies also offer many ideas for joint activities and vouchers…
For someone who values tenderness, the gift should also include physical touch, of course.
This can be a voucher for a massage. Or a massage or Tantra course together, in which you learn how to touch each other the way the other person likes it best.
When it comes to touch, there are also many different qualities, which – similar to the different love languages - can lead to a lot of frustration and misunderstanding if you only give the touch that you like most, but not necessarily the kind of touch that your partner likes most 😉
Or, if your partner is most likely to give and receive love through sexuality, and this is a difficult subject for you, then perhaps the best gift would be to participate in a Tantric seminar together.
For me, Tantra initially felt like a gift to Damian – to satisfy his need. But I realized pretty quickly that the healing that happened, the reconnection with my sexual energy, femininity, aliveness and above all the connection and closeness that came about in our relationship is an even greater gift to myself.
And in the end, that’s actually the case with all love languages. In the beginning it may feel exhausting to learn this new language and to do things that are unfamiliar to us.
Sometimes there may also be resistance to learning new things and showing ourselves vulnerable when it comes to doing things that we may not be good at at first…
But the moment you see your partner’s eyes suddenly light up because he/she finally feels heard, seen and loved…
The moment conflicts evaporate because the connection is stronger than the ego that wants to be right…
The moment your partner looks you in the eye and says how happy and fulfilled he/she is in your relationship…
In that moment you feel that all of this was not just a gift to your partner, but a gift to both of you… to your relationship… to your love.
And we sincerely wish that for you.