Sexuelle Fantasien

Sexual fantasies

Sexual fantasies – a well-kept secret or inspiration for the relationship?

In today’s episode, we are going to talk about sexual fantasies.

What secret sexual fantasies do you have?

What do you imagine when you self-pleasure?

Does your partner know about this?

If these questions trigger fear and shame in you or a very clear “No way…!” – You are not alone.

Although almost everyone has sexual fantasies, very few of us want to talk about them openly.

The fantasies that are most common are:

  • Dominance and submission
  • Sex in a threesome or more
  • Sex in a public place / in nature
  • Sex with a stranger/someone other than the partner
  • Being watched by others
  • Role playing
  • Anal sex

Most of the time our sexual fantasies are relatively similar and yet we shy away from sharing them with our partner.

Recently, a participant thanked us that our Tantra course had changed her life… just because she and her partner finally found the courage to share their fantasies in one of the exercises and both had “Swinger Club” written on their list. Up until then, they had not dared to address this in 10 years of relationship.

In this case, they actually fulfilled that fantasy, which reignited their desire and brought more passion back into their shared sexuality.

That doesn’t mean that all fantasies should necessarily be acted out.

However, we believe that it can be helpful to talk about it openly.

What could be a good way of dealing with fantasies in a relationship?

1. Sharing sexual fantasies openly

As we explained in our podcast episode „The #1 blockage to deep connection, secrecy, silence, and judgment only increase shame and separate us from each other.

True connection (especially in a relationship), on the other hand, arises from the courage to show ourselves vulnerable, to share openly and to practice compassion – towards ourselves and our partner.

The same goes for sexual fantasies.

I am convinced that many people only cheat because they are too ashamed to communicate their fantasies, sexual preferences and desires in their relationship – let alone live them out.

Only when I have the courage to honestly share what moves me, can a connection develop – and maybe my partner even wants to explore together in this direction…

Sometimes it can also ignite the desire in both of you if you write down a sexual fantasy, read it out loud to each other and then think about what you want to implement from it…

2. Creating a safe space

Of course, sharing is only possible if one feels safe in the relationship.

Safety is essential to enable open communication in the relationship.

If one of you two has already experienced that openness only leads to arguments, accusations, anger, hurt or withdrawal, he or she will of course prefer not to communicate openly in the future.

In the long run, however, this leads to more and more distance and at some point both only live side by side in their own worlds.

Of course, it is not always easy to create this kind of safety for each other.

Of course, I’m also often triggered when Damian reveals to me that he has met a woman who he finds super attractive.

Of course, it’s not about suppressing your own emotions.

But I can always try to keep that separate from how I feel about my partner.

My partner has wants, needs, and fantasies… and I can make an effort to hear and accept them – without having to fulfill them.

And I have fears, insecurities and old hurts that are triggered by it. These also want to be heard and seen in order to be healed.

Many people don’t want to feel their own fear and old pain, so they choose to vent the underlying anger at their partner.

The solution usually lies in looking honestly at our own issues.

To really feel our emotions.

To see the fear and sadness behind the anger.

And to show yourself with it.

So, of course, if my partner reveals that he or she wants sex with someone else, I don’t have to yell “Woo-hoo” or pretend I don’t mind.

But I also don’t have to yell at him, judge him, reject him, and vent all my frustrations from childhood or past relationships onto him or her.

A healthy approach would be to listen first, perhaps to question why this is so and to understand my partner.

Then check in with myself and perceive all the strong emotions that are bubbling in me right now. Yes, there might be anger. But what lies behind the anger? What are the fears? What pain is there?

If I manage to talk about my own fears instead of from an angry state.

  • The fear of not being good enough.
  • The fear of being abandoned.

Then connection can be established again and then my partner can also hear and understand me.

3. Reflecting together on what you want to implement

It is important that this point comes at the very end.

First of all, it’s all about hearing and understanding each other.

Accepting that my partner has certain fantasies doesn’t mean I have to act on any of them.

Often that is not even the goal.

Many people have fantasies of threesomes or group sex, but few actually want to experience it.

But if one of the two actually has the desire to turn the fantasy into reality, then the last step is to explore which need actually lies behind the fantasy and how this need can be fulfilled in a way that feels right for both partners.

It is also important to distinguish between need and desire.

Having sex with another person, having a threesome, being tied up and dominated, having sex in a hot tub, etc. are all fantasies or desires.

The need that I hope to fulfill can be something like changing things up, adventure, appreciation, recognition, devotion, freedom, aliveness, etc.

The great thing about needs is that there are always multiple ways to meet that need.

Maybe – if I’m honest with myself – I only want to sleep with my colleague because sexuality in my own relationship has become monotonous and routine. And I have hope that this would bring me some change, adventure and more aliveness.

When you have found out together what needs are really at stake, then you can consider whether sex with your colleague is actually the most sensible solution, or whether you would rather work on rekindling the passion in your own sexuality.

And sometimes you might even have similar fantasies and want to explore them together. Wonderful!

But even in this case, it can – depending on your imagination – make sense to take things slowly and to approach them bit by bit.

When it comes to dominance games, it might be enough to tie your partner to the bed with 2 scarves and see how you both feel about it before you get handcuffs or a whip and then realize that it was actually more appealing in your imagination than it is in reality…

4. Check your own attitude again and again

The most important thing in everything you do is awareness, mindfulness and an attitude of love.

In my opinion, everything that is fun for both parties and happens consciously out of love, is allowed.

I can dominate my partner because I know that he or she enjoys it.
I know that it allows him to surrender more or that intense stimuli increase desire.

Then there is nothing wrong with doing it.

But when I notice that a part of me becomes active that enjoys power and wants to go further than is good for my partner… when I notice that I’m suddenly no longer acting out of love but out of ego, then that’s it.
This is no longer beneficial for the relationship and should be stopped immediately.

Of course, this requires a lot of mindfulness and awareness of your own motivation and also of the reactions of your partner.

That is why it is so important to keep in touch with each other at the beginning, to share how you are doing with this new experience and to also be willing to stop the experiment if it is not doing you any good.

Alcohol or drugs are an absolute no-go in this case, because they tend to cause a lack of awareness and one’s own limits or those of the partner are exceeded far too easily.

In summary it can be said:

  • Everyone has sexual fantasies and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
  • Sharing these fantasies and exploring the need behind them can create a lot of connection in the relationship.
  • It is often enough to talk openly about fantasies without having to implement any of them.
  • If you feel like fulfilling a fantasy or an underlying need, then it is advisable to approach it very slowly and carefully and to keep sharing how you feel about it.

 A Tantra Coaching can help to become clear on what you want and how to communicate it with your partner. 

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