We have been considering for a while what the essence of our work actually is. We want to help couples to have a fulfilling sexuality, we want to bring more love and awareness into the world… but what is at the heart of it all?
At the end of the day, it’s all about connection. Connection with yourself, with your partner, with love / God / the bigger picture, or whatever you like to call it.
I had been pretty disconnected from all of that for many years of my life… just functioning and trying to make a career and living up to the expectations of others.
Until at some point I sat crying on an airplane… in my fancy business suit in business class on the way home from Brazil and I asked myself: “What am I actually doing here?!? This isn’t the life I’m looking for!”
My ego was proud of everything I’ve achieved… but my heart was desperate. I was no longer connected to myself. I was constantly stressed and barely had time for the people I loved… let alone sex and spiritual practice.
So I quit my job and went on a quest… to find myself.
But what actually is the secret of deep connection?
What I found very helpful in terms of connection was the Tantric concept of “expansion” – as in stretching-out and “contraction” – as in tension, tightness…
As long as we are stressed, tense and contracted, we have something like a protective armor around us, which makes connecting with others difficult, if not impossible.
It is often our fears, judgments and thoughts that separate us from others and make us feel tight.
If we have sex in this state, it can still release a surge of happy hormones in the short term, but we often feel empty and dissatisfied afterwards.
Tantra is about relaxing, trusting, expanding and feeling the expansion of your own energy.
If we succeed at doing this, true connection can emerge.
This is a basic requirement for Tantric sexuality. Then sex becomes lovemaking, hearts expand, the energies between the two partners can flow freely and multiply, up to a feeling of unity and connection with the universe or divine energy.
You can visualize two ice cubes for this. As long as the two are in a frozen state, there is no bond between them. Only with heat can the frozen water melt, combine and become one and eventually start to boil and dissolve completely… becoming one with the bigger picture.
The question that obviously arises now is:
What does it take to get expanded and connected?
When Damian and I come together in the evening after a stressful day, we often realize that we are in two completely different worlds and that we are far away from each other.
We have recognized for ourselves that connectedness can take place on different levels:
- Physically – through hugs, cuddling, massage, sex, relaxation, breathing, or exercising together
- Emotionally and mentally – by sharing what is on our minds, putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes and giving each other presence, attention and empathy
- Mentally / spiritually – by looking into each other’s eyes for a long time, meditating or praying together
But we don’t always succeed. Sometimes it happens that we trigger each other, can’t or don’t want to share our inner life.
An argument suddenly escalates because we’re stuck in ego and only criticize and justify ourselves – yes, that still happens, after all we are not yet enlightened either 😉
In such moments, a spatial separation is most likely to help us so that everyone can first reconnect with themselves.
In such a case there a different options:
- I like to go for a walk or run – out of the narrow space and into the vastness of nature.
Or I treat myself by taking a long bath, dancing for myself… basically anything to get me out of my head and into my body so I can feel relaxed again.
- I try to change my emotional state by listening to certain music or watching a film that touches me emotionally – and takes me out of defensive mode into vulnerability and openness.
- On a mental level it helps me to reflect on myself and to write in my journal. Why did the topic trigger me? What are the fears or hurts behind the anger and criticism? Why do I feel like I have to defend myself? What do I actually want? What would love do?
- Or I take the time to become still, meditate and listen within.
Most of the time, sooner or later in this process, I always come to the point where a shift happens, where my perspective changes, something opens up inside me and either my vulnerability comes to the surface or love and compassion.
And when I get in touch with Damian again and apologize, hug him or have a good cry, it usually doesn’t take long before we are connected again in our hearts.
Of course, this process may look a little different for you, since not everyone enjoys going for a run or meditating. It is therefore up to you to reflect on what works well for you personally in order to get in touch with yourself and others again.
What if none of this helps?
Of course, sometimes there are situations or topics that have caused so many arguments and pain in the past that they can no longer be solved on their own.
This is where we were in 2016, when the invitations to our wedding had already been sent out and we kept arguing over the same issues so much that we didn’t know what to do.
All attempts to reflect and coach ourselves failed… until we got to the point of actually canceling the wedding.
It took a lot of effort for us to ask for help back then. Because “we are both trainers and coaches after all, we know so much about communication and conflict management… we should be able to do that ourselves” (so we thought).
But when your own emotions and protective mechanisms are so strong, then all these tools unfortunately don’t work.
So at some point we actually went into a mediation.
It was only through external support and neutral moderation that we were able to overcome our own injuries and trigger issues, clarify misunderstandings and really understand the other person’s perspective.
And so, a year later, we were able to say YES to each other with all our hearts…
We now know that we don’t have to solve everything on our own and that we can save ourselves a lot of suffering if we get support directly… especially when it comes to the topic of connection.
Because this loving connection is the basis of everything else in the relationship.
Was ist das Geheimnis tiefer Verbundenheit in der Beziehung?