How Tantra can help to bring relaxation and pleasure into lovemaking
According to recent studies, 10-20% of women experience pain during sex.
But the number of unreported cases is probably much higher.
Because most people don’t talk about it.
Out of shame.
Because of self-doubt that there is something wrong with them.
Or because they eventually came to terms with it.
For thousands of years no one has cared about how women feel during intercourse. It was either about procreation or about the satisfaction of the man.
That past is still with us.
It always shocks me how often I hear in conversations with women that they only have sex for the man’s sake and see it as their duty, even if they don’t feel any pleasure or pain themselves.
Well, that’s the way it is then.
Many of the women around me are also in pain.
I have to go through that if I want to be in a relationship.
It is therefore very important to me to say this very clearly at this point:
It is NOT “normal” for sex to hurt.
Sex should be something BOTH enjoy.
There is certainly a way in which enjoyment can be made possible for both of you.
But what can such a path look like in concrete terms?
In this article we want to look at…
Tip #1: Talk about it openly
The first step of change is always to recognize the problem and to bring it into consciousness or into contact.
I would strongly encourage you to first talk openly about it with your partner or with a girlfriend.
In what situations do you feel pain?
How does it feel exactly?
How is it for you to have this experience?
What effects does it have on your love life, your sexual desire and your life?
Sometimes it also helps to tell the other person in advance that it’s not about having to give great advice… it’s just about being heard, being taken seriously, getting compassion and understanding…
That alone can be healing and set deep processes in motion…
Tip #2: Medical exam
If you have already spoken about it with a trusted person, I would recommend that you have your gynecologist examine you to see if there is a medical cause for the pain.
Endometriosis, skin diseases, bladder infection, fungal infection, herpes or hormonal imbalance are just a few of the possible reasons.
Here, too, it is worth talking openly about the complaints and symptoms and, if necessary, having the disease treated.
But often everything is fine from a medical point of view. What then?
Tip #3: Listen to your body
Regardless of whether the cause is medical or not, what is always worthwhile is to consciously listen to the body and perceive what it wants to communicate about the pain.
Most people’s reaction to pain is… to run away.
To numb it.
To ignore it.
To distract from it.
No matter. The main focus lies on not feeling the pain.
But that’s exactly what I want to invite you to.
To feel the pain consciously.
To consciously draw attention to it.
So stop and notice during sex or masturbation…
On a scale of 1-10 how bad is the pain?
Where exactly do you feel it?
How would you describe the pain?
Is it more of a burning, stinging, pulling, pulsing or throbbing sensation?
Does the area feel hot or cold? Tight or expansive?
What color do you associate with it? Light or dark?
What size and shape is it?
Can you find an image or symbol for it?
And then curiously research further:
What are the emotions behind it?
What wants to be felt?
What message does the pain have for you?
How does the pain change when you watch it?
What would make it better?
What would make it worse?
What does your body want to do to relieve the pain?
Of course you can ask yourself these questions and answer them internally for yourself.
But it can also be a wonderful and bonding experience to do it with your partner.
Maybe your partner can ask you the questions?
Perhaps you would like to say out loud what comes to you intuitively as an answer?
Most of the time there is so much more wisdom in our body and subconscious than in our cognitive mind.
Therefore, it is definitely worth stopping and listening inside – instead of just looking for answers from doctors and experts on the outside.
Tip #4: Mindful touch and yoni massage (= female intimate massage)
Of course, all of this can happen during lovemaking.
However, it is often helpful to experience this conscious healing work as part of a yoni massage.
A professional massage therapist who specializes in yoni massage or womb healing is of course best suited for this, but it is also possible with your own partner or as a self-massage.
Basically, we women store a lot of tension, stress, trauma and emotions in the yoni. Just as stress manifests itself in the form of tense shoulders or a clenched jaw, it can also result in tension in the pelvic floor and pain in the yoni.
Yoni massage can help to relax this area, release old emotions and dissolve energetic blockages.
This healing work mainly happens through mindful touch, massage and a lot of loving presence.
The same applies here: if pain occurs, consciously feel it.
Pause the massage but consciously leave your finger in place to allow the recipient to perceive what is behind the pain… what emotion? …which message?
Tip #5: Breathe and relax
What is essential in the whole process is breathing and relaxation.
Quite often we tend to hold our breath in uncomfortable or painful situations so as to not feel so much.
But in order for the pain, emotion or blockage to be released, we need to breathe.
Deeply. Slowly. Consciously.
Deep into the pelvis.
Into the pain.
In yoga, the saying goes “energy flows, where attention goes” and that the breath is a form of “prana”, which is the Sanskrit word for energy.
So by bringing my attention to the pain and trying to breathe into the pain, energy can flow into that area of my body and my own healing power can get activated.
Exactly the same goes for relaxation.
Normally, when the body feels pain, it tenses and our nervous system jumps into “fight or flight” – the survival mode.
However, healing is only possible if our nervous system is relaxed.
So it is also important to consciously relax the pelvic floor.
Relax. Breathe. Feel.
And curiously watch what happens.
Sometimes the pain goes away on its own.
Sometimes emotions emerge.
Tip #6: Allow emotions
If this is the case, it is important to consciously give these emotions space.
We all carry minor or major pelvic trauma.
Be it the painful “first time”, too early penetration when we weren’t yet ready, an unpleasant examination at the gynecologist, crossed boundaries, all the way to abuse or rape.
Most of the time in these situations there was no room for our emotions. And so they remain stored in the body and can also be a reason for pain during sex.
In the case of abuse or rape, we definitely recommend therapeutic support to work through this painful experience.
But if the trauma is more minor, you can of course also go through this process on your own or with your partner.
So if emotions come up behind the physical pain during yoni massage or lovemaking, let them be there. Give them space.
By feeling the emotional pain, the anger, the sadness, etc., the physical pain can also dissolve.
This is also important for your partner to know. Many men are initially quite overwhelmed when their partner starts crying during sex, or they are afraid that they have done something wrong.
That is why it’s so important to talk openly about the topic in advance and to tell your partner what you would wish for in such moments.
Do you want to be held? Or rather no touch?
Do you want to talk about it? Or rather not?
Do you want to hear his perspective? Or should he just listen in silence?
Most men are very grateful for clear instructions 😉
Tip #7: Compassion and patience
Of course, all of this does not happen overnight and is probably not done with a single yoni massage (although that can of course also happen 😉
But even if it takes longer, it is important to practice compassion and patience over and over again and to celebrate small successes and advances.
What can help is finding a form of lovemaking with your partner that you can both enjoy, in addition to the healing work.
In case of severe pain, perhaps initially without penetration.
So that you soon no longer associate intimacy with pain, but with pleasure, love and connection.
And soon, step by step, penetration again.
If you have any further questions, feel free to come to our free consultation and we will look together at what the next step would be in your specific case…